With steroids, we’re all winners!

In light of the all excitement surrounding the Cleveland baseball scene, here’s a guest post from my buddy, and fellow Cavs (and Indians) fan, D.J.

Have you ever heard of a dead pool? In case you’re less macabre and/or morbid than I, allow me to explain. In a dead pool, several people submit a list of celebrities they think will die in the next calendar year (They’re usually kicked off ’round New Year’s).

There are two stipulations: 1) you, a loved one, a friend, nor a pet may not cause the celebrity’s death, and 2) The “Celebrity” must be famous enough that everyone else in the dead pool has either heard of them, or can otherwise be convinced of their famousness.

If and when someone on your list dies, you’re awarded points based on the formula:
Points = 100 – (Celebrity’s age).

This is to discourage picking extremely old people because, come on, old people suck and they die all the time.

So, for example, if you had had President Gerald Rudolph Ford in your 2006 Dead Pool, upon his demise you’d have received a paltry …
Points = 100 – (Celebrity’s age)
Points = 100 – 93
Points = 7

… Whereas, had your 1997 pool contained rapper/actor/philanthropist Biggie Smalls, you’d have pocketed a nifty 76 points, in one fell swoop.

What does this have to do with the Cavs, you might ask? Well, nothing. Nothing at all. But in light of the impending release of George Mitchell’s report, and my crippling gambling problem, I thought it might be fun to start up a Steroids Pool in the same vein!

Since I’m too lazy to Google “Mitchell report release date,” I’m not sure when exactly the deadline is, but I think it’s pretty soon. My guess is they’ll wait until shortly after the World Series, but “anonymous sources” have loose lips and it could be any day now.

The way I imagine these Steroids Pools to work is, each member will submit a list of players he suspects to have been found guilty of receiving steroids. But the fun part is this: Your points are awarded in the format:
Points = [1.000 – (2007 OPS) ] x 1000

So if you pick David Ortiz, you’d actually lose 66 points. Of course that fat sack of shit has done steroids. The tricky part comes in when you have the Matt Lawtons and the Mike Morses of the baseball world and you’re able to gobble up 300 points at a time.

Since a lot of pitchers have been getting nailed lately as well, perhaps a formula for them might be in order, to the tune of
Points = [2007 WHIP – 1.000] x 1000

So that there’s no incentive to draft any great pitchers with sub-1.00 WHIPS, but you get rewarded for plucking out the crappy pitchers [COUGHPAULBYRDCOUGH] who cheated, despite sucketry.

Obviously, the players would have to have played a certain minimum in 2007 to be considered. Recently retired players might also be considered in terms of their last qualifying season – say, 20+ starts for starters, 40+ appearances for relievers, and 300+ PA for position players.

Anyway, feel free to submit your all-steroids Steroid Pool team. You have to fill out a 25-man roster just like a real team. Here’s an example:
C – Ivan Rodriguez
1B – Rafael Palmeiro (2005 stats)
2B – Bret Boone – (2005 stats)
SS – Juan Uribe
3B – Troy Glaus
OF – Ryan Klesko
OF – Brian Giles
OF – Gary Matthews, Jr.
DH – David Ortiz
Bench (any 6 guys) – Joe Girardi, Jay Gibbons, Gregg Zaun, Mike Matheny, Richie Sexson, Roberto Alomar
Rotation:
SP – Kenny Rogers, Mike Hampton, Kelvim Escobar, Jamie Moyer, Kevin Millwod
Middle relief: Ray King, Rafael Betancourt, Jeff Farnsworth, Jason Grimsley
Closer – Derrick Turnbow

I like it. We’re starting an official LeCavs steroid pool in the comments. Official rules TBD. May the best cheater win.